I have come to find things tainted by maleness to be very displeasing. Honestly, this isn’t so new, but I’ve been feeling it more and more as I continue on my journey. I know I’m not the only one; I’ve had this conversation with others. I think taint is the right word, because I am attempting to describe something unpleasant, so ‘imbued’ just won’t do. I am pretty sure this is about trying to disassociate myself from my former outward gender, but finding things to dislike or be disgusted by isn’t very difficult.
This has nothing to do with sex. I’ll be up front with you and probably speak more to this in another post, but at this present time I do not have an identifiable orientation. If I were forced to pick one, I’d say I still lean toward women, but I currently have no desire to be physically intimate with anyone at all. Where this goes, I don’t know. The HRT effectively killed any residual horniness, and I’m not at all comfortable with my body. So yes, I don’t find men sexually appealing at all, at least for now, but that isn’t what I’m talking about.
Some things are relatively easy to find grody that both cisgender and trans women can express a sense of repulsion about. Like urinals. Gross, right? Gleaming white porcelain that has been pissed all over, with the standard yellow puddle directly beneath. Ew. I am, by the way, horribly uncomfortable with bathroom stuff in general, so going to leave that vicinity of the conversation now. I think we can also agree on prideful flatulence, conversations about prideful flatulence, strong BO, vivid pornographic descriptions of women, and sports statistics as things girls don’t care much for, but standard male world fare.
As a trans woman, I also find male clothing distasteful, particularly having to wear it. It doesn’t just make me uncomfortable; it makes me feel dirty. I gave up wearing male socks and underwear many years ago, but for a brief revival after I got married. Once preferences came out, I kept only a single pair of boxers for days I had to go to the doctor, but tossed them over a year ago. I hated those days, having to walk around all day feeling uncomfortable. At work, even though I’m still in male mode, nearly my entire wardrobe was purchased in the women’s section, including shoes. I’m not rocking a mini and stilettos or anything, but Levi boot cuts and androgynous lace up shoes are fairly passable. The importance is that they are made for women and therefore not tainted. I never claimed not to be a little crazy.
I realized some of the ridiculousness of this when I saw an ad for women’s shoes there were made specifically for male feet. They weren’t gender neutral either, but pretty heels and even mary-janes. I could not bring myself to even consider it. They were nice, they promised a high degree of comfort, but the fact that they were made with male feet in mind was a huge problem for me. They were tainted, and just as unpalatable as the male tights I found with extra room in the crotch. Ugh, no thank you!
Within a few months I will be able to divest myself fully of anything male in regards to apparel and simply can’t wait. Once my transition is complete, and I mean *complete*, I have to wonder if my aversion will remain. Cisgender women have no aversion to things designed for men and in some cases actually prefer them without feeling even a little bit dirty for it. Being able to never link something as innocuous as an undershirt to issues like imposed identity probably helps.
Before I wind this up, I can admit there are exceptions. True, I’m horribly adverse to wearing the clothes, fixing cars (I hate getting dirty), or discussing sports, but there is one male space that doesn’t seem to be leaving me. Hardware stores. Not just the big boxes either like Home Depot, but the local Hector’s where the guy behind the counter actually knows what all the shit they sell is for and how to use it. I never see other women in there just perusing around, looking for ideas on how to monkey with something around the house, but that is what I’m there doing. It’s been a while since I’ve been, and one of the last places I’m still nervous about going dressed. We shall see, but it may well be that this time the male taint will reject me for a change. It’s a small price to pay.