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The Future’s So Dark, I’m a Fool To Wear Shades

My whole concept of the future sense of things was always fuzzier than a peach in an Ewok costume, and it’s gotten much worse. I have no idea if any of this is even remotely trans related, but just in case it is, I thought I’d go into it for a bit to feel you all out and see if I strike a chord of similarity with anyone. The more we collectively learn about the condition of our existence the better for us and the better for those who come after.

Now my sense of the past is rock solid. I can recall the very tiniest of minutia of past events, conversations, and life in general. Well, for the most part. If said recall involves proper names or numbers of any kind, my mind goes blank and I fill in something inappropriate. And all this time my friends and family probably thought my propensity for using horribly exaggerated figures and cutsie or insulting nicknames for people was my quirky little way of being clever instead of covering for the fact that I have no idea.

The future, however, has always been a very vague concept; like I said, kind of fuzzy, foggy or downright non-existent. It’s had a few major effects so far, the first of which is turning me into a horrible procrastinator. If I don’t have to do it right this very second, it immediately gets shunted into a category of things of which there is a high probability I will never have to do them. Tomorrow is just a figment of imagination. A farcical entity in which to dump unpleasant tasks. Naturally, one of the other effects is that I tend to get surprised a lot. “Holy shit, is that today? Dammit! How the hell did that happen?” Let’s just say I’ve learned how to wrap a gift and drive stick shift at the same time. I get around this at work by keeping a rigorous schedule in Outlook, which I have set up to send me frequent urgent reminders constantly, and I found it much better than Post-It notes which don’t say jack shit, even if you highlight them or draw little cartoon stars around the urgent message. With hormones, it’s getting worse.

OK, not worse in the procrastination way. That’s started out as bad as it can be and still allow me to function as a human. Kept the status quo there, so that’s good. The big picture stuff is now hazy though as well. Like Buffalo snow squall lack of visibility where you are driving blind until you go under an overpass and for . 3 seconds and spot the slow moving Buick you were about to slam into. Yeah, I can deal, but it starts to feel uncomfortably dangerous as well.

Five years ago, I think I had a great 5 year plan going; big picture stuff as opposed to the day to day. Looking ahead from 2007, I would have described 2012 to have me happily married, possibly with another child, another promotion at work, a sound financial plan, and some really cool renovations done on the house. Normal guy shit, I guess, but then again I’ve never really known for sure. As you can see, it didn’t quite turn out that way. I never imagined I would be deciding what to wear to work right now; it simply would have been khaki’s and my Tuesday shirt. Nice and easy. Now it’s not so easy, and chances are I’ll be kind of late because whatever I think I’m going to be quickly putting on, will be taken off with high pitched grunts of frustration because it makes me look like shit. This is the very least of it.

Since I’ve announced my big change, friends, family, co-workers, and miscellaneous busy-bodies like to pepper me with hard questions. What are you going to do? Are you keeping the house or selling it? Where do you think you will live? What are my spouse and son going to do? Are you ever going to attempt another relationship? What are your long term plans? What are you doing this weekend? Thursday night? I have absolutely no fricking idea about any of it. Not even a shadow of a clue. Toss a coin, shake up a novelty Magic 8 Ball, or have me perform a deep thought analysis and the chances the answer will be right is equal across the board. Vegas won’t take odds on it and that tall hatted little mobster dude from Bugs Bunny cartoons won’t either.

So, my future is very vague; a painted over window into a place that doesn’t even exist in my mind anymore. The good part about this is that I don’t even care. Not even a little bit. I’m happy being me in the here and now, and the wonderful thing is, when that gets old and stale, a new here and now will be here, whatever that looks like. Why fret over a chimerical future that keeps getting pushed forward anyway? Of course if I ever change jobs, I’m totally going to blow the old “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” question. I’ll cross that bridge when it’s time, and if it even exists.

About michellelianna

I'm a transgender woman now in the maintenance stages of transition having all the electrolysis and surgery one can reasonably be expected to undertake. While busy exploring my new world, I took to blogging about it with dubiously popular results. I don't have quite as much to say as I used to, but I'm not quite done yet either.

3 responses »

  1. For some reason I’ve always been the same way. While the world around me was busy scheming and planning a future that they were determined to manifest for themselves I was quietly watching from the sidelines in a moderate state of bemusement. Looking back I can attribute it to my as yet undiscovered dysphoria; constantly following the suggestions of others and going wherever the winds of fortune blew me. The long, unguided search for, for, for……….what? I guess I was searching for me all that time, and now that I’ve found me I don’t have to search any longer.

    Where I am now and what I am doing is a product of the search result and conclusion and I’m happily building the best life that I can around that. 5 years ahead? I don’t know for sure, but I hope to have completed my bachelor’s degree and maybe have an interesting job based on that. We’ll see when we get there.

    Nothing wrong with living from one here and now to the next sister, worked for me for over 35 years!

  2. I hate the questions, concern, nosy, I don’t know, I can’t possibly know the future eater and I don’t keep track of things like I used to.
    I think I know what your saying, all this stuff going on but yet I’m in this relaxed state that was never there before, cool in many ways but unnerving at times, I’ll deal.
    Can I imagine my future, yes! but do I really know, no! I can’t let my job or anyone else define me I just need to move forward, isn’t that part of transitioning?
    It just might be, frustrating at times.
    I do have a 5 minute plan and it involves getting another cup of coffee and making the best of my day, you always seem to come along and help with that from time to time.
    Have a wonderful day girl friend:)
    Love, Erin

  3. Hiya Sis,

    How rude of people to expect you to know what you are going to be doing as far away as Thursday.
    Ah, the future, scary and exciting, and no matter how much you procrastinate, it eventually shows up. The worst part is when it does show up it is never dressed as you requested on the invitation. How impolite!
    I have a pretty strong feeling that five-year plan or no, you will handle your future with dignity and class. You’re off to a pretty good start. 🙂




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