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How You Wear It


If you identify as female, either right off the line, or somewhere in the aftermarket, I think you are going to understand what I’m talking about. Why on earth is our clothing designed to malfunction only in ways most favorable to voyeurs and never the opposite? You have probably guessed right that this fun bit of indignation begins with a story.

The other night I was with my ex, son and a friend and her son at the Original Pancake House. Far superior, by the way, to the International House and their misleading name with not a single smoked fish or blood pudding anywhere on the menu. I think I had noticed walking in that my skirt seemed to be more binding than normal, but I paid it no mind. A little tightness is to be expected when gorging on kielbasa and basted eggs. It wasn’t until I got home that my ex pointed out, “Uh, you know the waist band of your skirt is way down below your ass.” My son picked up a few new words that day. I really have to watch myself with that. In any case, I found that by simply pulling it up, it was once again comfortable. My only saving grace is that I was wearing tights underneath, so thank the stars for a cold day.

I was trying to remember how often it felt wrong, you know, at the office. More expletives; pronunciation reinforced to a 5 year old sponge. It wasn’t the first time I found myself becoming unreasonably angry with the guys who work for me. Not long ago they stood conversing with me at length, and then let me go to two meetings in a row with jalapeno mustard in my hair. In their defense, I think they either truly didn’t notice, or assumed it was some sort of yellow and green accoutrement they didn’t understand. In any case, it’s clear no one is going to warn me away of making a complete ass of myself.

My ex explained that this kind of thing happens to all women at one time or another. Dress tucked into the back of pantyhose. Poorly constructed button triggered to snap just below the appropriate line of cleavage. Kick pleats and slits conveniently located on a seam stitched by one of the three blind mice after a night with Wild Turkey. Never ever do you hear someone complaining, “Dammit! This stupid snap came loose and completely covered my décolletage!” You never hear that. But why? Oh please, you know why. It’s the same reason men’s buttons are sewn on with high tensile steel thread, as are the butt seam of slacks. Even Rush Limbaugh has to make a pretty deep bend to split those poor suckers. Nobody wants to see that, so every precaution is there to make sure they don’t. No so true in our case.

All of western culture female apparel is clearly designed as the complete opposite of say, Middle Eastern garb. In the Mid-east, and not that I’m condoning this at all, women’s clothing is designed to absolutely minimize the chance that any bodily attribute not desired to be shown will suddenly make an appearance. In the West, total opposite. Skirts, essentially a tube around your midsection, can slip down, go up, be looked up in such a variety of ways that special uncomfortable leg and foot placement when sitting etiquette has developed. Even the long ones can be stepped on at the hem and pulled right down. Oh, believe me, I know. Most dresses are made of such light material as to head for the shoulders at the slightest breeze. Yes, even pants. The right fit (in other words, not super dumpy looking) are skin tight around the ass, with the worst ones undesirably showcasing camel-toe. Shirts and blouses, except for the winter ones, are almost universally cut to reflect the popular ‘hoochie’ look. There is one word for those who try to buck this trend – butch.

Understand, I’m venting here. Most women already know how to work within the system and achieve looks that are cute, feminine, and fairly low risk. I’m just learning how much care is required in making that a reality. Sure, I could go super butch, but honestly, I need all the help I can get to have any hope in being identified as the correct gender. If, however, I can manage that without mooning anyone or having a boob pop out, well, all the better.

About michellelianna

I'm a transgender woman now in the maintenance stages of transition having all the electrolysis and surgery one can reasonably be expected to undertake. While busy exploring my new world, I took to blogging about it with dubiously popular results. I don't have quite as much to say as I used to, but I'm not quite done yet either.

8 responses »

  1. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your blog. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d love to write some articles for
    your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please shoot me an e-mail
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  2. I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the page layout of your website?
    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.
    But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with
    it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or
    2 pictures. Maybe you could space it out better?

  3. I hate it when that happens! Still, I’ve been learning the fine art of giggling when I’m jiggling so that others can laugh with me instead of at me!

  4. LOL..Aaahh, honey. You are a hoot. After you have many years of this under your belt (no pun intended 😉 ), you may just opt for ‘Butch’ and practical like Annie and I do. lol We always say “I bet when people see us out together, they think we’re life partners.” ha! I miss you already, so let’s get together again asap. You’re beautiful!! Wardrobe malfunctions and all!! xoxo

  5. Kristine Hollander

    Ahhhh the famed wardrobe malfunction my dear! It is definitely one for the ages, and the handbook. Like I said the other night when we were together… Always check yrself before heading into the office, and especially a meeting! Well anywhere to be honest lol. I have also learned if it feels “off” then it probably is, so check it out missie!

    • Oh, easy to say Miss Fabulous! 🙂 It was so great seeing you the other night and I really hope we can hang more often! Got your card too – thank you so much! It totally wasn’t necessary, but so nice to get. I love playing the hostess and hope to have a lot more of these coming up.


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