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Ride’s Not Over Yet

CometOK, my last post was really all about schilling for a worthy endeavor, but the spike in my traffic reminded me that I seem to have maintained a readership in spite of going silent for a few months. Huh. Well, that’s a surprise. Here I thought everyone was here for the jokes or seeing what crazy way ol’ Michelle managed to publically humiliate herself this week. Therein lies the rub. The huge cascade of interesting things that had been happening to me for almost two straight years has finally become a trickle of molasses in January. Or this year, I guess March. Let’s talk about that for a minute. Not the weather; I haven’t gotten that pathetic just yet.

Somehow, in spite of my best efforts to remain in Neverland (the good one, not the one with the evil Peter Pan from ‘Once Upon a Time’ who is somehow related to 43 other fables), I went and kind of grew up. Ugh. I hate even saying the words! A few years ago, before I took my first Estrodial or Spiro, before I ventured out in daylight to anywhere but Belles or Spectrum meetings, a post-operative trans woman said to the table of transsexuals and cross-dressers, “It’s feels good to be in the right body, but it’s also depressing.” I asked her what she meant and she just held it out as a certainty without really explaining. Because of that, I chalked it up to bullshit. I mean who can’t explain their own experiences? Apparently she couldn’t, but it didn’t make it any less true.

The early days of self-discovery are so exciting. You don’t know what’s going to happen, what you are going to be doing, what the consequences will be, and what you will be at the end of it. Every single day is a roller coaster of exhilaration of crossing a new inch stone and mortal terror of discovery and repercussions. Every tiny step of it is something you just could not have imagined a few years, or even a few months prior. A trip to the grocery store becomes a major achievement, not to mention hitting the Allentown Art Festival or Taste of Buffalo, surrounded by thousands, some of whom you are bound to know, and wondering if you will be recognized, outed and have your secret self thrust into the spotlight of harsh judgment or warming embrace. Every outfit is a dare, a new expression of your personality. Every intervention: hormones, electrolysis, laser and surgery becomes a new high, a new heady plateau in rarified atmosphere, closer to the golden glow of achieving the nirvana of self-realization. Scraped, bloody, humiliated, and filled with the holy spirit of feminine righteousness, we clamber to the peak. I am woman, hear me roar.

That was all really freaking awesome and all, but after enough roaring to necessitate a trip to the corner for some Ludens, the rest of life has to go and continue. Because I was lucky enough to keep my job through transition, and living situation, it’s basically the same life I’m continuing from before transition, except with more hassles. I still have to get my little guy to school every day and pick him up, do the grocery shopping, write the same performance reviews, and attend the same staff meetings. I still take out the garbage every Wednesday, snow blow the driveway, mow the lawn, and help my mom with her taxes. The difference is that it now takes me longer to get ready for work, I’m still dilating three times a day, and the supply list of shit I need every day is considerably longer. It’s all very routine, mundane, and not worth of being mentioned, even though I just filled your eyes with it all and made you wonder if you should just unsubscribe to this already. Seriously, don’t though. I’ll know, and make it a point to write some knockout material just to piss you off.

I miss the excitement. The uncertainty. Doing things that could radically change my future and lead to dizzying heights and soul crushing lows. This is a good thing. I lived through transition and the world didn’t end. It didn’t break me, or even really come close. OK, yeah, I had some dreary, weepy days in there over the past year, but I’m going to conveniently blame hormones on that, evidence or none. I had a little rest, and now it’s time to climb some new mountains.

Am I still going to maintain this blog and share my experiences? In the words of Tina Fey in one of her minor roles, “you betcha!” What I can add to the body of knowledge regarding transition is probably more limited, though I’ll still write trans posts. I’ll also be vectoring into other areas as I see fit, and promise to try to keep up the funny schtick as much as possible. All the transition knowledge I have to share is conveniently accessible if you access the ‘Topics’ tab up at the top where you can find my blathering on almost any topic, or will once I get around to updating the damn thing. Ride’s not over yet.

PS – The picture, in case are wondering, is in homage to one of the greatest trans blogs ever written, “I Hate Roller Coasters”, by my sister, Becky Kent. This one’s for you sis. 🙂

PPS – Um, just so we are clear, Becky is still with us and doing incredibly well. Her blog is gone, hence the homage, but seriously, she’s fine and if I can ever convince her to do a guest post, I’ll prove it.

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About michellelianna

I'm a transgender woman now in the maintenance stages of transition having all the electrolysis and surgery one can reasonably be expected to undertake. While busy exploring my new world, I took to blogging about it with dubiously popular results. I don't have quite as much to say as I used to, but I'm not quite done yet either.

18 responses »

  1. Well, you know, this is why everyone loves the original MATRIX film and yet many seem to hate the two sequels.

    I mean, the first film is all about Neo’s voyage of discovery, personal growth and the initial results of that. Everyone can relate to those things and the ending of that film is an optomistic one. But the other two films are just part 1 and part 2 of of how the war ended. There’s growth for Neo but nothing particularly revolutionary (despite film titles), no really cool new revelations like “Zion’s actually in another level of the Matrix” (which many fans at the time were hoping). That’s why so many were disappointed, because they were expecting MORE.

    Transition’s a lot like that. The initial stages are dramatic because so much changes, and superficially has so much promise. Lots of folk get this idea that surgery’s an end to transition but really it’s in the middle. One has to learn to adapt to an apparent “normality”, but that’s nowhere as glamorous as that first bit. But it’s much more important, wouldn’t you say?

    Reply
    • I wouldn’t say it’s more important necessarily, though it is the whole purpose of making the journey in the first place. I have to hold though that the quest is just as valuable as the prize at the end. At the same time I, and probably everyone else, ted to glamorize the exciting bits and let the really sucky times fade from memory, so there is that. All in all, I’m glad I have both the memory of the journey and the place it eventually brought me. It’s just time for a new one is all. … BTW, I have to take your word on the Matrix trilogy as I only ever saw the first one. From my understanding, I dodged a bullet there. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Hi –

    You are at the point in transition where most of us would love to be – where life is mundane, and you are functioning as a woman – finally in the right body. Yes, there are more headaches to being a woman, but being transgender is not about the headaches, but about being who we truly are inside in all ways possible….

    M

    Reply
  3. Jayden Alfre Jones

    Yea, SHE”S BACK!!!!!! I am so happy to have you back. You have been a major influence in my transition. I am planning my SRS with Dr, Mc Ginn this year. I am really excited about hearing your opinions that are outside the trans world.. Over the last year I have made an effort to get my trans sisters and brothers to step away from all things trans, and find that there are many other things we can converse about.! I am thankful for being a part weekly beaders group.that consists of a dozen or more straight women. It is such fun, We talk and laugh about all the things going on in today’s world to day, from the antics of Mily Cyress, to the unrest in the middle east. The subject of trans never comes up. When I came back for the first time as a women, There were many respectful questions about my new life some serious and some with humor that we all laughed at. It is so refreshing to be just one of the girls! I would love to hear your opinions on this issue.! Always your biggest fan Jayden!
    PS I can’t seem to get your blogs, etc to go to my email. I forward all your words to my email contacts, and I can easily move your words to my file under your name. I constantly go to your file for information I share with new comers to our support group.. Again Thank you , you will never know how many lives you touch at a time they need it most!.

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Jayden! You never fail to make me blush! 🙂 Isn’t it nice getting away from the trans stuff here and there and just enjoying life as a person instead of always as a trans person? It sounds absolutely lovely and I’m a teensy big jealous, though my time to do that is coming once I’m off this ridiculous dilation schedule. So you are thinking Dr. McGinn as well? Please, don’t hesitate to ask me anything at all you want; being forewarned is forearmed (though not four-armed as I used to think. My world didn’t make much sense back then). 🙂

      Reply
  4. Once again you lead the way for me. Here I am abut four months, less actually :-), from a Lower Bucks Hospital stay, and your post strikes squarely upon something that had been occupying my thoughts for the last few days or maybe longer. In the words of the Peggy Lee song, is that all there is? I’ve been waiting for the moment when I truly “felt like a woman” the moment when the past fell away and the music started and the sweet perfume of the roses filled the air. Needless to say, it hasn’t come. But, I’m finally at a point where the excitement of newness, of daring, of clear and complete acceptance, has fallen away and become the life I’m living. And I think to myself, wow, this IS great.
    So, once again, thanks for your ability to express what you (and I) are feeling. I have been waiting and hoping, and checking here and on PE just about every day for another blog from you. And today, I am rewarded once again.

    Here’s something I wrote on a cold and blustery Veterans Day 2013:
    New Hope

    On the road tonight to New Hope, PA,
    Perhaps one of the most aptly name places on earth
    With the leaves flying at my windshield
    Carried on the wind like heedless birds.
    I’m seeking a change of my life.
    Seeking the confirmation of my life,
    Finally walking through the maze to the place of my future.
    And then at last passing the final test of determination
    And standing at McGinn’s door on a Sunday afternoon
    With the tears running down my cheek,
    And then remembering to breath.
    I got there, I arrived.

    Petra

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Petra and for sharing your lovely poem as well! More still, huge congratulations on your upcoming surgery!!! Please don’t hesitate to PM me and ask anything you like. I had the chance to do that, and it made things much easier, and probably would have moreso had I known to ask the right questions. All my best wishes and hopes to you!! 🙂

      Reply
  5. Thank you for being honest and sharing the fact that there’s a price for living authentically. And, yes, normal is boring, always has been, but you’re demonstrating the strength we all need to carry on and continue the journey. You’re just at a rest stop. Eventually things will become un-normal in a positive way.

    Reply
    • I’m so sure you are right. As with transition, the un-normal is not going to come a calling unless I put out the mat and get the good china out of the attic. After the Pink Fairy failed to swoop down and poof me into a girl in spite of all my hopes, I’m in the midst of remembering that only I can make the next big change. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Weren’t we just discussing this? I’m glad you fleshed out the whole diatribe about it. Like you said, when someone who knows tells that to you while you’re in the thick of being on Cloud Nine, you do wonder what they’re going on about. When I was first able to finally shave my legs, I thought I’d want to shave them twice a day just to do it because it was a “woman thing.” Now I cringe when I go to the rest room and realize I have knee stubble because I haven’t taken the time to maintain myself in those little areas at the level I was when it was fresh and exciting a few years ago. Not that I’m bored or unappreciative, it’s just, well, here I am. A girl, finally, from outward appearances. I have to get up earlier to get ready than I did when there wasn’t much to do when I was going to work totally as a boy. But I’m so much happier with the results. The person I see in the mirror is who I always wanted to see there. I’m still becoming me, but at this point, most of the time, I’m just being me. I like it. Thanks for not being afraid to tell the truth to the girls out here who are still in the youth of their journey. It’s still a wonderful and amazing trip, despite there not being the fireworks going off in the background we were somehow expecting to last forever. Your friend Dee

    PS – I’ve done guest blogs elsewhere a while ago, and I wouldn’t mind tossing something about my own thoughts and experiences in here someday as long as you’re inviting company. How’s that for modesty? Ugh! XO

    Reply
    • You know, I was just thinking that in the shower this morning. “Great, the warm weather is coming and I’m going to have to shave my damn legs every other day again. “ Even the most thrilling ride become tedium after the first couple go arounds. Thank you for being the seed that generated this post by the way. By all means, sprinkle them away, ‘kay? I would also be thrilled if you wanted to put up a post! The invitation is official and without expiration. 🙂

      Reply
  7. How funny that you would write this on the very day I wake with a burning bit of writing in my head searching for an outlet. I will gladly take you up on your offer to guest post.

    Now, I must regain my composure after the generous, and largely undeserved complement. After a bit of a blush, I will merely smile and say thank you.

    Reply
    • Please sister, it was very well deserved. I would also be absolutely honored and thrilled if you returned to the world of writing and used my outlet as a medium. I still owe you a much long letter, which is in the works, but have had the aching desire to write again and succumbed to that temptation instead. I have more news as well, but in a private email. Love ya Sis!

      Reply
  8. It is soooo nice to have you back! I miss your jokes and they way you poke fun at the seriousness of transitioning. I am starting my real life test and have a new perspective because of your writing here. Be well and I look forward to reading more!

    Hugs,

    Kelli

    Reply
    • Thank you so much Kelli! The real life test seems so scary at first, but very rapidly it just becomes humdrum real life. I hope it goes incredibly well for you and I’m so glad I was able to lend some perspective! My best advice, as always, is have a sense of humor about yourself and embrace the awkward. J

      Reply
  9. Lol, mundane days are your reward for surviving. Your wtiting are really amusing. I’ll admit I read early post to help myself out but you caught my attention with your amusing wit. I haven’t figured where to take my blog after surgery, but like you, I’m sure there will be amusing life experiences to come. So happy for you! Rikki

    Reply
    • Thanks Rikki and congrats to you! I know, it’s not easy right? I c chronicled my whole journey up Everest, but after cresting the peak, it’s not so easy to motivate oneself blogging about the dreary trip down. J

      Reply

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